I am sitting at home watching the tv show "men in trees", i have officially sunk to a new low. I have been frustrated lately because i realize i live a completely unhealthy gay lifestyle.
I don't really have any gay friends. I don't go to any gay clubs due to the fact that i have no gay friends. I have social anxiety and don't even know HOW to meet people. Sometimes i feel like I'm waiting around for a guy that will never come, but then again i think most single people gay or straight have these feelings at one time or another. Pickings seem sooo fuckin' slim in Los Angeles. Maybe its karma biting me in the ass?
Lord knows I've fucked with some minds in my younger days. All i know is that this is not good....I am wasting my gay youth...and we all know thats prime time! I feel like I'm wasting valuable fucking time, and when i say fucking time i literally mean FUCKING time....like i can be out getting laid right now....but I'm watching a show about people that live in Alaska!! How exciting can that be?!? I don't want to wake up one day when Im 40 years old (not that 40 is particularly old at all) but i don't want it to take me that long to realize i have to make an initiative to get out there and just go for it.
I have always been a go getter with everything else in my life. When i wanted to move to San Francisco, i packed up my car, with 300 dollars in my pocket i quit my job and said "fuck it!" and left. I lived there a year, and it was amazing. It was basically closing my eyes and jumping, just going for it. Why is it hard to do that now? Why is it hard to do with relationships? or Meeting boys? I'm a social retard.
Like 98% of my friends are straight, and the other 2% don't live in Los Angeles. I'm basically fucked, and not in the way i want to be. I am destined to be the Gay best friend for life. I hate all those romantic comedy movies that try and seem soo progressive by putting a gay best friend to counter the lead actress in her quest for love that was right in front of her face the whole time. All they ever end up doing is adding comic relief by being stereotypically gay, or by meddling in the love life of the lead actress. Thats what I am doomed to be. Comic relief. A fucking clown. I might as well be one of those Somalian girls with her clit cut off and her vag sewn up. Always a brides maid never a bride.
I know its fucked up to admit, but whenever i see couples together and they are like trolls or just busted...i always think to myself "Now if THEY can find someone, then why can't i!".......
1 comment:
How many times have I thought that last line to myself? I felt the same way when I lived in LA sometimes. And unfortunately I sometimes feel the same way here.
Santiago is full of armorous couples all in love and smoochy and I'm forced to stand around while people are making out right in front of me on the subway, in the park, or right on the campus where I teach. (The PDA here is notoriously shameless here.) And I'm looking at the girl's tacky ass jeans or swapmeet top and the dude's nasty rat tail and wonder what the hell I'm doing wrong.
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